Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Being Stuck and Going.

So much going on lately.

I'm mentally stuck.

I've done a lot of spinning, some knitting, a lot of sewing little pieces, but nothing big. N is going from the autism hospital back to temp residential tomorrow. He turns 11 on the 28th. He was supposed to go Tuesday but something came up with the doctor. It's been a frustrating, scary, hopefully-happy-ending journey the past few months. I challenged people who likely chant my name in a way that sounds like 'Bitch' a lot. I didn't curse in meetings (I did later) and I didn't get jailed. I fought for him.That takes more energy than you think.

He's much more stable now, but he still aggresses a few times a day. At one point, he had to go to a medical hospital because his platelets dropped to 50. We didn't know if it was meds or a virus.  It ended up being a virus. Probably.

He's more verbal than he was going in, and he has a speech device to help him 'find the right words' now. THAT was an ordeal, but he finally has one. They need an icon for his device that says 'fuck off' so he won't hit as much, I think. He's singing more now. Lots of  'itsy bitsy spider.'


I'll be honest. The whole experience this time around was an eye opener for me. Will he ever live at home? I have 2 kids with autism; did I fail at parenting? I'm a full time nurturer and advocate. It has me questioning myself from time to time in everything in life. I don't have an issue with confidence, generally, but recently it comes and goes. It's unsettling to forget who I am, and to forget how to exist outside myself, to not be so solitary. Solitude is addictive. I have friends, but I have withdrawn to deal with N's and T's dramas.And I absolutely H-A-T-E to admit insecurity but ...I've been insecure about all of this.

Sewing has been my outlet; lately I've felt the same drain with this, as well. I have found that I really don't enjoy traditional piecing. I like kantha stitching. I like eclectic sewing. Most of my blankies have jagged or crazy edges. I prefer it. I think it's because I love tradition but I don't like having the roles defined for me. I don't like using machines, they seem to hate me. I don't like batting, touching it gives me the chills sometimes. (sensory!) I like monochromatic. I wear blue and black all the time and I like to see it in my blankies. (Nicky always calls them 'blankies' and it stuck with me.) I'll add that, although I'm feeling all of this, I don't feel hopeless and I'm pretty happy. And grateful.

I doodled last night and I made this. The top middle block is a weird sort of nine patch, it's not 3-3-3 and I think I like it that way. I'm so mentally disorganized and imperfect but I get things done, and that block does the same thing.

What to DO with it though... I'm adding eco dyed fabric alongside it and an old flannel shirt for the middle. The eco dyed fabric has a plant print on it; if the wind would stop blowing, I could get a picture of it. Way too dark inside to get a picture.

 I don't know what to do with it yet but I want to work on some sewing! I'm going to be in the car for 6-7 hrs tomorrow as a passenger. *twitch* I need to keep busy.


Kat Gilmore said...

Your story touched me. As a retired early childhood educator, I worked for many years with at-risk preschoolers, including children with ADD, speech and language problems, emotional issues, motor delays, and yes--autism. Families were from all races, religions, economic levels. You absolutely cannot question your parenthood about that.

Sewing is a wonderful way to relax, and young children seem to love the texture of cloth. Sewing, felting--any work with textiles is therapy for me.

jess said...

Thank you, Kat! I try not to question myself about that but it sneaks in, parent guilt I guess!
You're right about children loving the texture of cloth. My youngest has been obsessed with it ever since I can remember!

jude said...

a beautiful cloth base. it could become anything

jess said...

Thank you, Jude! xx